Thursday, February 24, 2005

How do you come to God ?

I've been thinking about this a fair bit, lately.

God has so many different ways that He relates to us. He is creator, lord and master, saviour, Father, lover, comforter, teacher, etc.

How do you come to God? What is the persona where you feel most comfortable relating to Him? And how do we get to embracing all of the different facets?

I've discovered that I have no problem relating to God as creator, master, teacher, and Father. But lover?.... That is just too big a stretch for me. I'm not saying it isn't a valid relationship, it's just more than I can wrap my perceptions around at the moment.

This morning I was trying to figure out what it is that makes that particular way of relating so difficult for me, and here's what I came up with...

A parent/child relationship is one of unequals. Not in value, but in what they bring to the relationship. It's supposed to be that way. Same with a teacher/student relationship. The giving goes overwhelmingly, though not completely, one way.

A marriage is a union of equals. At least that's how I understand it. And I think that's where I get tripped up. I've mentioned before about a vision I've had of dancing with Jesus, and just feeling the overwhelming need to pull away because I feel unworthy. I think that this is why. I'm not His equal. I just don't feel comfortable in that position.

Now, I can run to the Father and climb up in His lap and cuddle there and lay all my joys and sorrows out with complete comfort. But I just can't wrap myself around the intimacy of a bride and her groom when the groom is Jesus! I can't sing about longing to lie in the arms of my lover and have it refer to God. I just don't connect there. Something (in me, obviously) is just out of whack.

So, how does one make the leap? How do I relate to the same person as Father and Husband? How do you?

(Ever get the feeling that I'm a practical kind of person? I always have to know "how".)

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Skooyul it is!

This was the conversation I overheard in the van this morning...

Matt: Chel, what Chel like better: home or kool?

Kel: Skooyul

Matt: Home or kool?

Kel: Skooyul

Matt: Better than home?

Kel: yuh.

Matt: Muh-see-um or kool?

Kell: Skooyul.

Matt: Tinkertown or kool?

Kel: Skooyul. (starting to giggle)

Matt: Avenchur city or kool?

Kel: Skooyul (he's definitely teasing and enjoying it now....)

Matt: Moooommmm, Chel keeps saying he likes kool!....

*hee hee hee.....* *whoo...*

Monday, February 14, 2005


Where does it come from anyway?

In case you hadn't noticed by now, I haven't been just cynical lately. I've been having a rather nasty bout with depression. On Saturday it took most of the morning and a lot of loving nudging from my sweet husband just to get me out of bed, and even then I couldn't manage to get up before I had a bit of a cry.

I'm becoming more aware that PMS compounds my natural tendency towards depression, and that's probably why it was so bad on Saturday. I just haven't figured out what to do about it.

Oh, I prayed. I begged God for help. (Don't worry, I'm not suicidal - not that far gone). I knew I didn't have much hope for the day without Him doing something... And I did feel surprisingly better by evening.

This next bit is going to look like a bunny trail, but follow along... it connects...

I keep CHVN on in the van because even if a lot of the music is sucky, it's at least safe for my kids. I heard a song the other day called "The voice of Truth". I'm sure I've heard it before, but I knew when I heard it this time that I needed to grab on to it. I know that part of what drags me to depression is about my self-image. I hear all kinds of accusations against my character (in my head), and I embrace them because I see the truth in them. There may be only a grain of it, but I see it and grab onto the whole thing. It's just sooooo easy for me to see the bad in me, and near impossible for me to grasp that there might be anything good. Sound depressing? It is.

I heard another song the other day with the line "Who are you to tell me that I'm less than what I should be? Who are you?" And I thought: "I'm me! Who better to tell me that I don't measure up than me?! Who knows my faults better?" I was rather ticked.

"But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story. The Voice of Truth says : do not be afraid. The Voice of Truth says : this is for My glory. So I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth."

I guess I need a lot more practice discerning the voice of Truth. This is a major battle for me, and I'd sure appreciate any prayers on my behalf. Depression and I have been battling for a very long time, and I don't expect it to just suddenly be over. But I do need to score some sort of victory and find a way to be vigilant against my tormenter.

Some of you may find that I'm a bit more open and vulnerable than you are comfortable with. That's OK. I believe that's what God wants me to do. Show all my colours. This one just happens to be black.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Why I hate Valentine's Day.

Ah yes, it's almost upon us again. That hallmark holiday. The season of forced giving that means nothing simply because it is expected.

Valentine's day is just like Mother's day in my books. It seems to me that if one does not receive appreciation (or tokens thereof) during the rest of the year then why on earth would one attach value to something given on one day a year because that's what you're supposed to do? It has no meaning. It's a token given out of duty, not love. And even if there is love in the motive it's overshadowed by the duty of the day.

And, heaven forbid your loved one should forget or misjudge your expectations or just plain get you ugly, useless stuff. (no reflection on Doug, here - this is a general rant) Why would you want to put that kind of pressure on the one you love to meet your unspoken expectations? Not very loving of us, I'd say...

So,... that's why I don't bother with Valentine's or Mother's day. You can keep 'em. I'll accept the spontaneous, heartfelt, non-duty-bound expressions of appreciation anytime throughout the year, without having to wonder about the motive.

Incredible Hulk

Don't make me angry.... You wouldn't like me when I'm angry....

I don't.

And, sadly, that seems to be my constant state of mind, lately.

I've heard it said that depression is merely unexpressed anger. I don't really agree, but let me tell you this : expressing it doesn't alleviate the depression, it just leads to more self-loathing, which adds to the depression.

And that's all I want to say about that.

Monday, February 07, 2005

Double Whoops!

Oh yeah, it could only get worse, right?

So...... as I'm taking a break from my kids (aka lounging in my bedroom...) so I don't vent my frustration with them on them, what do I see out of the corner of my eye?...

A gerbil.

And if one of them is out, then the other one must be too..

So, here I am, trying to catch two gerbils while hobbling on an injured ankle. I catch one, and before I can get him back in the cage (which I had to secure) he bites me! This, naturally, causes me to fling him into the air and he manages to land in the box of Lego. I manage to corner the other one and use a section of tubing to catch and re-deposit him. THEN, I can go tend to my wounds.

I had to call Matt up to watch them and make sure they don't escape while I go downstairs to find the bandaids. Then I had to figure out how to reconfigure their cage while tripping over two over-eager boys. I finally get things in order (after sending the lads downstairs) only to hear a cry as Matt has thrown a book at Kelvin (oh yeah, he was provoked).

So, the gerbils are in their cage, the boys are in their rooms, and I am free to tell the tale - now that all the testosterone has been contained.

Come home soon, Doug....


Well, we almost made it through the weekend without major mishap....

Last night I went downstairs to do some last minute blogging before putting the boys to bed and when I reached the bottom of the stairs I tripped/slipped on the hotwheels tracks my guys had so lovingly neglected to put away.

Now, I happen to have really weak ankles, and this happened to be the one I had a nasty sprain on a couple of years ago. So....

Since it is my driving foot I am unable to take Matt to school this morning. This gives me more time with my boys (who, by the way, posess not a single ounce of compassion between them). While they are thrilled to have the time at home to play (Kelvin had the day off anyway), they don't seem to comprehend that I can't just jump up to do all the things I normally do.

I've had it wrapped up for awhile, and it isn't quite as bad as last night (though I did catch it on the same tracks when I ventured downstairs this morning (D'oh!). Fortunately, Doug gets home tonight - late tonight - so I only have to get through one more solo day...

Saturday, February 05, 2005

Flying Solo

Doug is in Calgary this weekend. Three days, in fact. His brother and family are in town from Mozambique via Brazil for a few weeks so we arranged for Doug to take a long weekend to go visit.

That leaves me alone with my guys.

So far, we're all still breathing. In fact, we're actually enjoying each other for the most part. We were all up late last night from taking Doug to the airport, then we had to get some stuff done at home before we could all turn in.

Matt didn't go to sleep 'til after 10:30, and still had a small night terror (I think). He woke briefly before midnight, called my name, but by the time I got there he was already self-soothing and seemed pretty calm. I didn't hear anything more from him the rest of the night.

This morning the boys got up and played together while I had a shower. Then I took them to McD's for breakfast and the play structure. What a great way to spend a Saturday morning! They played for over an hour before I felt they needed to go. We even made a stop at the store for milk with no incidents.

I think I've been working really hard at my "Zen Parenting"(Be the duck, feel it all flowing off your back, just like water.... be the duck). I've been trying to cut them a lot of slack, and not let myself get annoyed by some stuff that's just kids being kids.

Matt's been responsive and not caused too much of an uproar. Kelvin, naturally, has had requests for things that don't occur to him until I reach the bottom of the stairs or get to the computer, but I think we've got that under control, too.

I've managed to fold and put away a load of laundry, do all the dishes I left myself from yesterday, clean the DR table (where the boys are playing now), and take out the garbage. We've had lunch, and they are playing with play doh (Matt), and making cards (Kel) - halloween ones for next year, he said. Well, they were when I started this post.

And how about that? I've managed to find time to blog.

So, any of you who were having trouble reading any of my stuff due to the new format, I've made some more changes. Let me know if it's coming through any better now. I'm also working on a blog for our extended family. I think I'm going to pick a different template to modify 'cause I'm not really happy with how things are turning out with the one I started with. I'm not confident enough with html yet to do one from scratch.