Depression

Where does it come from anyway?

In case you hadn't noticed by now, I haven't been just cynical lately. I've been having a rather nasty bout with depression. On Saturday it took most of the morning and a lot of loving nudging from my sweet husband just to get me out of bed, and even then I couldn't manage to get up before I had a bit of a cry.

I'm becoming more aware that PMS compounds my natural tendency towards depression, and that's probably why it was so bad on Saturday. I just haven't figured out what to do about it.

Oh, I prayed. I begged God for help. (Don't worry, I'm not suicidal - not that far gone). I knew I didn't have much hope for the day without Him doing something... And I did feel surprisingly better by evening.

This next bit is going to look like a bunny trail, but follow along... it connects...

I keep CHVN on in the van because even if a lot of the music is sucky, it's at least safe for my kids. I heard a song the other day called "The voice of Truth". I'm sure I've heard it before, but I knew when I heard it this time that I needed to grab on to it. I know that part of what drags me to depression is about my self-image. I hear all kinds of accusations against my character (in my head), and I embrace them because I see the truth in them. There may be only a grain of it, but I see it and grab onto the whole thing. It's just sooooo easy for me to see the bad in me, and near impossible for me to grasp that there might be anything good. Sound depressing? It is.

I heard another song the other day with the line "Who are you to tell me that I'm less than what I should be? Who are you?" And I thought: "I'm me! Who better to tell me that I don't measure up than me?! Who knows my faults better?" I was rather ticked.

"But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story. The Voice of Truth says : do not be afraid. The Voice of Truth says : this is for My glory. So I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth."

I guess I need a lot more practice discerning the voice of Truth. This is a major battle for me, and I'd sure appreciate any prayers on my behalf. Depression and I have been battling for a very long time, and I don't expect it to just suddenly be over. But I do need to score some sort of victory and find a way to be vigilant against my tormenter.

Some of you may find that I'm a bit more open and vulnerable than you are comfortable with. That's OK. I believe that's what God wants me to do. Show all my colours. This one just happens to be black.