Monday, June 27, 2005

Verbal Diahh....well, you know...

So much to say, and so little time to blog....

I could do this in a few posts, but I have a theory that says that folks only read the most recent post, so I'm gonna stuff it all in here.

Worship Retreat

I have been on the worship team at WCV from the very beginning - which will be 10 (count 'em - 10) years this fall. I have been to most, if not all the worship retreats, and I must say that I think this one was my favorite. Sure there were some things done differently in the format, but I think that there's also something a bit different in me. I'm just in a different space now, and that just lends itself to a different experience.

For a lot of years now I've been hiding. Just not so sure of myself. Sitting on the fringes watching while other people are connecting and having fun. Scared to speak up or take initiative. I'm not fully out of that, but I'm starting to see my extrovert self coming back to the surface - hopefully with a bit more maturity this time! I'm not so afraid to speak up. And I did get to know a couple of people a bit who had previously really been only faces. I felt relaxed.

Then there was the way Brian introduced me. A bit strange, since everyone was introducing themselves, but Brian felt compelled to tell everyone that I (and Doug) had been his first housegroup leader in the Vineyard. Maybe it gave me confidence that I still have some call to lead - I certainly had no trouble speaking for our small group. I received a couple of neat encouraging words on the weekend, too. One of which I keep hearing from my husband, and am hearing in different ways from other sources, too. Joel said that he saw me as a teacher. Now I know that I have NO patience for teaching school, but I do enjoy working with the kids there. Small groups. One on one. Doug thinks I should become a TA, or even go for a teaching degree (that one's NOT gonna happen), and Matt's teacher has been quite forward in suggesting that I do some TA work as well.

Family Dinners

Alright, who really enjoys family dinners? I mean extended family - beyond your own household. I have a great time at them when they are Doug's family. We all get along wonderfully, and the conversation is stimulating. The food is fabulous, and no one is overly picky.

Not so in mine.

On Thursday we had a barbecue for my sister's and nephew's birthdays. I was hosting and therefore supplying all but the beverages. I cleaned my house, prepped all the meat in my fridge that needed to get to the freezer so that I would have room for salads and such. I made shish-kebabs, salmon, fruit salad, tossed salad, and had hot dogs and burgers available. I mopped my kitchen, scrubbed my bathroom, and still chauffeured my kids to school, did laundry, and made lunch. I was on my feet all day. At around 5:00 my mom arrived with my sister. I told Doug he needed to fire up the barbecue. He could take the shish-kebabs, the burgers, and the dogs, but I was still making the sauce for the salmon (with people milling all around my work area, no less!). My mom stops and says "Well, you give her two weeks notice you'd think she'd be a little more organized!"

I was aghast! Stunned! I was not gonna keep silent about this! I turned around and said that that was just about the rudest thing I've ever heard. Of course I think she'd gone outside for a smoke by then... Unbelievable! Sorry, mom, but the salmon isn't ready for the grill 'cause I stopped to make sure you had a clean place to pee!

Can you see the steam coming out of my ears? It's four days later, and I still haven't managed to let it go. I will. I'm just stunned that someone would say something like that.

Self-image vs. Body image

Erica, I got your note on my last post. You're right. There is a higher truth about who I am. My value does not lie in my shape, size, or weight. I am my beloved's and that's where my value comes from. He sees me as lovely, even when I don't.

What happened around the same time as the dressing room horror, was that I had gone online and checked out my BMI (body mass index). It seems that I have crossed the border from overweight to obese. I don't feel obese. But those are the numbers. And with them come so much more risk of heart disease and stroke - both of which my father had. Weight is something I feel so out of control of, and being a control freak that's more than a little bit scary.

The answer? Babysteps. Absolutely. Making the treadmill a habit one day at a time is completely the way to go. Making small, sustainable changes in my eating habits. Not expecting to drop it all overnight. As FlyLady would say - It didn't get that way overnight, it's not going to get where it should be that quickly, either.


For anyone not "in the know" I am becoming known as a S*** Disturber. It's quite a distinction. Essentially, it means that I'm gonna call it as I see it. And I have been doing a bit more of it lately.

My friend Johan has a blog. Awhile back, shortly after he began it he said something that got my blood boiling a bit, so I challenged him. We sparred on it a bit, and several others weighed in with their thoughts. It's just the kind of dialogue I relish. Dig deep. Look at all the sides of the issue. If you don't agree with me - TELL ME. "Come, let us reason together...".

Anyway, I just found out that our dialogue was offending some folks. They worried that I was being too harsh. However, I must have scared them 'cause they called the church office instead of letting me know. I am still surprised. Johan and I have never taken this personally. We're just as much friends as we ever were. And if you had followed the dialogue to it's end you'd see it ended with him asking if I could sing with him the next Sunday. And I did. Frankly, we laughed about it when we heard that some people were worried. We needed to wrestle the issue out. Why are people afraid of that?

So here's a question.... If you haven't wrestled with your beliefs, are they really yours?

Well, that's all I can think of right now. Happy wrestling... uh, I mean reading... I mean... D'OH!

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Little 'ole me.... As if!

At the moment, I feel very small - or is that large?....

Last night I did a bit of shopping. I have a wedding to go to this summer, and not much of anything to wear, so I thought I'd hit my favorite store and see if they had anything. I picked out some skirts, a few tank tops, a blouse, and a dress and headed for the change room.

Not my best move.

I put on a cute skirt. Orange/red/white floral. A little unusual for me.

Then I turned sideways.

I almost started to cry right there in the room. I know that I'm a lot heavier than I want to be or should be. It's getting harder to find clothes that fit at all. And the reason I went shopping last night was for new sneakers so I could actually get back on to my treadmill without my feet and legs hurting. Did you know that skirts have NO tummy control? Jeans, even ones with lycra, will hold you in a bit, but in a skirt you are on your own. I couldn't believe my eyes! I never wanted to be seen in public again.

So, in the end I came home with a new pair of sneakers, a slurpee and chocolate bar for my husband, chocolate and Pepsi for me, and my spirit dragging on the ground. I know I'm just adding to the problem, but at least it tasted good going down.

My cheering/nagging squad has done a great job of saying "yay you!" when I post about my week, but not one of them has noticed that I haven't sent them anything in weeks. No one wants to know what's going on, and that's the support I was hoping for. Someone to question me, not just cheer.

So, I'll try not to wallow, but get up tomorrow and put on the sneakers I'm breaking in today and head for the treadmill. I will try to opt for the fruits and veggies when I'm really hungry, and do my best to distract myself when I know my munchies are not really a hunger thing. It just can't keep going on like this.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Well... Duh!!


Sometimes you just have to be hit over the head to get it.

It seems that on the days I remember to pray for Matt and his class to have a good day, etc. that they actually DO have a good day.

Why is this just occurring to me now? Mid-June?

Sometimes I'm just a tad slow on the uptake...


Monday, June 13, 2005

Cute Kid Quote

Matt and Kelvin were catching bugs the other day when we overheard this one...

Kelvin: " Look! There's another Daddy Long Neck!"

great.... we've got dinosaur bugs.....