Lemme 'splain

You can't tell from the comments (yet) but I seem to have confused some folks a bit on my last post. Let's see if I can be more clear.

What I meant when I said Adoption is not everything is this: Infertility brings up a lot of questions or issues in your life. Adoption (from the parents' point of view) can answer a lot of them, but not all of them. We were taught that by a group called Adoption Options. They facilitate private adoptions here in Manitoba, and require that all applicants go through a weekend of orientation before registering. This group is (was - this was 9 years ago) run by adoptive parents, and they wanted us to know what we would be getting into.

There was some question as to whether infertility should impact on our identity. Does it change the way God sees us? No. But it changes how I see me. One of the first commands of God to man was to procreate. The ability to bear children is, at least traditionally, what truly separates woman from man, so the inability to do this HAS TO have an impact on how complete you feel as a woman. It is something we take for granted, so it's loss is both unexpected and something to be grieved. I'm not suggesting that we should LIVE in that place of grief alone. It is a process that needs to be moved through, and adoption does not deal with that loss of expectation as to how my body should function. It is also something that cannot be done for us. You may affirm our womanhood, but it is an issue we must resolve for ourselves.

I want to be very clear, here. Adoption and pregnancy/birth both meet an inborn need to parent. Pregnancy/birth affirms the proper functioning of our bodies. It is NOT the children themselves who meet the fertility need. It would be wrong to enter adoption with the expectation that they would. The loss of the proper functioning of our bodies is OURS to deal with, not our children's burden. I don't think of my children as being "less" because they grew in someone else's womb. That is neither here nor there. They are mine (ours) to love, guide, nurture, etc. The loss of perceived control over my body's reproductive functions was never any child's responsibility, and I would never want my children to think they were 'second best'. They're not. I couldn't love them more if I had all the stretch marks in the world.

Our experience with infertility is also somewhat unusual, at least statistically. Most couples who deal with this are eventually given a reason for their difficulty. Those who have conditions which are not treatable are able to begin the grieving process, and look to other options to meet their parenting desires. We have been given no such reason. We've gone through ALL the workups including four surgeries for me (endometriosis - but not blocking my tubes). At the end we were told that there was NO reason that they could find for us not conceiving. In fact, I did conceive six months after the second surgery, while we were filling out our paperwork for adoption. I miscarried seven weeks into the pregnancy, and have not conceived since. Strangely, just having conceived was enough to settle some of my questions. For Doug, however, it was devastating and opened up more questions. Still, God remained silent on the issue.

Adoption today is not what it used to be. We've had Matt from birth, so that was over six years ago. The statistics at that time were that the wait list for a public adoption of a healthy newborn was twelve to fifteen years. Twelve to fifteen YEARS! And all those names KNEW how long it was when they added their names to the list. There are NOT orphanages full of children waiting to be adopted unless you look internationally (and we were in the process of an international adoption when we were approached about Matt.). Teenagers are choosing to parent their children. And abortion...

Let's just say that adoption is an exercise in letting go of any control you thought you had in forming your family. The process can actually be humiliating. You fill out a bunch of forms. If you are going for a private adoption then you have to wait for a birthmom to choose your profile from the many she can choose from, with no guarantee that you'll ever be chosen. You hope you have presented yourself in the best light, but always wonder if you've been misunderstood. If you are going for a public or international adoption you know you'll be put in the order you applied, more or less. You are required to go to classes to learn about the issues surrounding adoption. You are encouraged to look at older and special needs kids - there are many. You have to wait endlessly (it seems) to finally meet with your social worker for a series of interviews. And then you have to hope that someone else thinks you are good enough to be a parent just so you can get your names on a list and wait some more. You go through physicals, and criminal records checks, and references. I understand why they are needed, but no one makes you go through all those hoops just to get pregnant. It's like adding insult to injury. DON'T get me wrong, I'm SOOOOO glad we went there, and God's hand was SOOOOO there in the placing of these boys into our family. I'm just trying to say that the process isn't as easy as just saying "well, we'll just adopt, then".

So, do we want more? Sort of. I would love to have a little girl. Doug would love to have one, too. We're just not prepared for all the hoops of the adoption world. We can't afford the tens of thousands of dollars it takes for an international adoption. We're not willing to wait for a public one. And we're not likely to get chosen again for a private adoption because we already have two children. Most tend to choose the childless couples. Could we get pregnant? Sure. God could do that. But I'm 37 (it's my birthday for what's left of today), and Doug will be ____ this year. We're not that anxious to have teenagers when we're in our 60s. Then there's the issue of what another child would do to the delicate equilibrium of our household, since we have at least one child who doesn't deal well with change...

Well, I know I've rambled, but I hope I've been a bit clearer. Go ahead, ask me stuff. Tell me what you think. And if you ramble like me, just use multiple comments... I want to know if anyone's reading this stuff...